I’ve been putting off writing this for a while now for various reasons; the most pressing of which being that I’ve come down with a mild case of the plague and thought “if I’m on my death bed, I want to go out watching I Love Lucy, not writing vitriolic commentaries about people I really couldn’t care less about”.
In any event, I’ve come around to the idea that I might survive, and as such have decided that now is as good a time as ever to get this off my chest.
So Chris Brown and Rihanna are duetting on two new songs together. Three years after he did THIS to her:
Don’t look away. I know it’s hard to look at, but we need to have this in perspective. They didn’t just have a little lover’s quarrel. He completely rearranged her face because she had the audacity to ask who he was texting.
And now they are making music together again?
What the hell kind of message does this send to young women (or men for that matter)?
I’m going to get real here for a minute, because I think it’s important to the message I’m trying to get across. I have been the victim of domestic violence. I know what it’s like to have all of your power stripped away from you and to be terrified for your life at the hands of someone you (think you) love. So I’m not talking out of my ass here.
I ALSO know how confusing it can be in the aftermath. Unfortunately, no matter how awful, how brutal the violence (and please bear in mind this can be physical, mental, and emotional violence), it doesn’t immediately erase the feelings you had for that person.
This can be very difficult to deal with. Everyone around you thinks it must be black and white—you couldn’t possibly ever get back together with someone who could do that to you. You’re too smart. You’re not one of those girls.
They’re right, you tell yourself. Yet underneath it all is uncertainty. As is often the case, there is a lot of manipulation that goes on in these relationships. Quite often the victim will blame themselves; all the things they did wrong, how they should have been nicer, more loving. Complained less. Tried harder. Whatever.
Point is, it’s not black and white. And I get that. I get that more than most people.
I managed to get out of it eventually (thanks to both the court system, and my amazing friends and family). I was one of the lucky ones.
But imagine if I were a young and impressionable girl going through what I went through, and one of my musical idols has not only not come out to speak against what happened to her, but was in fact glorifying and normalizing her attacker.
It’s one thing to keep quiet about what happened and not make a huge issue out of it. I know I didn’t really want to talk about it at all for a long time. But to go on to release music with him?? This truly disgusts and saddens me.
And for what? To sell records? What other reason could there be? So listen up girls and boys: your significant other broke one of the fundamental principles of humanity and took away your rights with their fists? Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. You’re not worth much more than that, anyway.
Oh, and girls and boys: you cashed in all of your self respect and value as a human being in exchange for getting a quick release of your anger and adrenaline by physically taking away the rights of another human? Don’t worry. In a few years the public will love you again and will buy your records. You don’t even need to apologize. EVER!
Ultimately it shouldn’t matter. They are both adults and can do whatever they like with their lives. However, I feel like I have to say something simply because they are both in a position to influence so many others.
Look, if you’re hellbent on working with each other again, why not do a PSA on domestic violence. Too touchy feely? Ok, well write a formulaic, overproduced song about transgression, contrition, and the flaws in the human condition. I don’t know, ANYTHING but this:
Girl I wanna fuck you right now (right now)
Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body
Let me-let me turn the lights down
When I go down, it’s a private party
Ooooh, it’s not even her birthday
But I wanna lick the icing off
Give it to her in the worst way
Can’t wait to blow her candles out
I want that cake, cake cake….
Ooh baby I like it, it’s so exciting
Don’t try to hide it
I’mma make you my bitch
This is simply unacceptable for me. Even if I weren’t a victim of domestic violence (I actually hate that term. I may have temporarily been victimized, but that DOES NOT make me a victim), I would still be outraged at how these two are completely denigrating and minimizing the impact that it has on those who have gone through it.
Anyone who knows me in my real life knows that I’m incredibly understanding, laid-back, and forward thinking. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. But this has really been getting under my skin, and I feel like I need to say something.
It will probably make no difference, but I’d rather say something and have it fall on deaf ears, than say nothing at all and live in the shame of it.
This is not the model to follow people. We can do better.
